Revenge and how hurting another person hurts you more

Sweet sweet revenge

When someone has wronged you you become emotionally charged almost instantaneously and feel whatever action you now take is justified. You feel some sort of entitlement and want to get them back. You justify it as fair play considering the events that preceded that moment. You want that person to hurt the same way you're hurting sometimes maybe even more. But revenge is never as sweet as it seems. From a distance getting even seems enticing because it feels like the right course of action. All it takes is one little push until you do something inexplicable. Something you can't ever take back. I had to learn this the hard way.  

I recently went through something in my life where I felt like taking revenge. The person who wronged me was someone I considered near and dear. They weren't being hurtful on purpose, They weren't out to get me but what they did left me annoyed, angry, even losing respect for them. I was distraught by what this person did to me. Not only that I also couldn't believe I allowed something like this to happen, In a way I was also angry at myself. I thought of all the ways to best hurt them and I did. That was not my proudest moment. 

Vengeance is a fool's game 

You've done it. Now you've got the person back. You feel like justice has been served. In those moments you feel alive, rejuvenated even. A balance brought back, like a pendulum swing finally resting. But as you sit there you feel something's not right. You feel an uneasiness creeping in, maybe in your stomach. Soon you find yourself worse than before. 

Regardless if the person that hurt you did it on purpose or not you should never retaliate. At least not in the same manner they did. In my case when I finally took my revenge, the pain I was experiencing increased tenfold. The person that hurt me never intended to hurt me. And so when I took revenge I was now in a worse state from when they initially caused me pain. In that moment I thought hurting the other person was a way of giving back the pain they caused me. In a way it was that but ultimately I just ended up hurting myself more. I found that all that time, energy, thoughts and emotions spent on getting even was not worth it. The pain was already there, I was merely adding to it. I couldn't see what I was doing to myself because I was in an emotionally charged state.

It's an easy thing to miss but we should always remember that it is never wise to act on our impulses while we are in this state because our judgement has been severely incapacitated temporarily.

Healing is the way 

There are no truly bad people, except for psychopaths. All pain comes from past pain. That is where the saying 'Hurt people hurt people' comes from. The best thing we can do for ourselves and those we've hurt is to heal. Healing is already an act of forgiveness, You forgiving the person and yourself for what you've done. 

I'm still internalizing the weight of my actions and it has been quite the process. My sister said that healing is non-linear. One day you might feel well and good and the other like you're back to square one. I think I understand what she means now. There are days where I feel good enough to do things and move around but days definitely do come where I feel like dragging my body just to get through the day. It's usually in the morning when I feel some self-hatred and hopelessness but I found that it is in those moments where you have to love yourself the most. To accept what you have done and realize that there is now an opportunity to heal and grow.